The Still Forgotten Australians–The Foster Care System

As of June 30th 2011, in Australia, there were 37,648 children in out-of –home care. This is an increase of 4.9% on 2009. (www.aifs.gov.au) The cost of maintaining out-of-home care is $2.3 billion. It is important that we understand this is not just about the financial strain on our economy and we shouldn’t make this about the money, but this does raise an issue about the “Child Protection Industry” and the part we all play in supporting it. I have argued for some time that we are continuing to support an industry which fails family on a regular basis. I know that this is not the intention of those who work in the industry but it is a regrettable outcome.

I wonder about what we have learnt from the past? I wonder about the inquiries into childhood abuse and the child protection industry in general? How many apologies can we issue before they are like the abusive partner who keeps saying they are “Sorry” after beating the crap out of their partner. We will continue to get it wrong until we acknowledge that there is something basically wrong with the current system. We are creating another system of abused kids who will have to wait until they are into middle age before they are offered another apology.

We will always need a system which cares for kids who are unable to live with their parents. How many of the children currently in care could not be returned to their families. Last week Tim Carmody, who heads the Queensland Inquiry into the Child Protection system, was recommending that each of the 8,000 children in care be evaluated to see who could be returned to their parents. Carmody acknowledged that parents change and that there are many parents who are no longer living with their abusive partner or are no longer using drugs. My biggest beef has been that we ignore the idea that parents can change and that there needs to be some consideration for this within the system which takes children away from their parents. One just has to look at the complicated and often expensive process to have a case re-heard by the Youth Court, that you realise how difficult a review is.

Wouldn’t it be amazing if David Waterford sought to review each case by an independent group of professionals with the view to re-unification. The financial savings would be significant and the damage caused to children living away from their parents will be minimized. How about putting the savings into more services to support parents so that children were not removed at all or only for a temporary period?

If we continue to fail these children we will be breading another “Forgotten Generation”. To all you Social Workers out there, practice as you were taught, apply the ethical standards of our profession and instruct your organisation about Social Work Practice. Challenge prejudicial and judgemental behaviour, work to ensure that the strengths of parents are identified and built on, engage with parents at a meaningful level, as helper and facilitator for change.

Don’t say stupid and unhelpful comments that put down parents and make them feel like failures and second class citizens. Recently I had a woman call me and told me a disturbing story about a Social Worker who told her that “child sexual abuse isn’t as bad as some forms of abuse and besides the kids get over it.” This came from a senior social worker who clearly is a fabulous role model to others who work with him. If this is the sort of thinking that pervades the department then we are no further down the track than we were fifty years ago when we were blaming kids and locking them up for being abandoned. Has out thinking changed? NO. I am angered and very disappointed to hear that Social Workers are propagating this sort of crap.

Lets just so “Sorry” to all the children the system is abusing now and the tens of thousands we will abuse in the future.  

Why doesn’t anything change?

This is a question which I find more puzzling as I realise that no matter how much time you put into something, or how passionate I become it makes very little difference. My experience has been that the more “the system”is challenged the greater the resistance. I wonder if those who work within structures that produce poor results all feel as helpless from the inside as I do from the outside. When does “learned helplessness” take over so that every client they see is identified as “too hard” and the training they received or the reason why they entered Social Work somehow has dissipated into a past memory and suppressed emotion.

I have many clients who potentially sit in the “too hard basket”. Often this is where a person’s beliefs are so entrenched that it is difficult finding the intervention that will cause them to shift. I know it would be easy to tell myself that I could be working with other clients who have better prospects and who will do the work that will bring about change. But I know that if I wasn’t working with these people that they would find it difficult finding people that would work with them. They all have a history of some contact with a worker then the worker has to cease the work because the organisation has limited resources and are unable to see any progress so they are told to find someone else.

My guess that there are many of these people trapped in a system which doesn’t care about them and isn’t prepare for the long haul. They get shunted from one service provider to another or give up entirely. As a private practitioner it is my decision alone which will determine the length of service. I believe that if a person is prepared to remain engaged, and I believe my involvement will eventually produce some change then I will remain for as long as it takes. If I was working for another organisation I wouldn’t have that authority. If I was told to move on from a client whom I believed in and couldn’t do the work in the clients time frame then I guess I might become a little jaded – certainly disillusioned.  I can remember when I was working as a therapist in a gambling program the most critical comments made of me, and there were many, was that I was not restricting the number of sessions with clients. I certainly resisted the notion that the client had to fit into the agencies time frame.

If I was working within the child protection system I would feel absolute frustration because the time frame is often determined by legal requirements. A voluntary care agreement (VCA) means that the practitioner has to see a significant change in a mater of a few months. Most practitioners probably find that acceptable and because they don’t see any change will then apply for a twelve month order or go straight to a Guardianship of the Minister to 18 (GOM18). If a Social Worker is skilled enough perhaps they would be able to engage with the client in a meaningful way which would enable change and perhaps a partnership could be developed which would ensure that the child is safe and that the parent is able to be the parent they need to be.  However, if the Social Worker sees all clients through the “learned helplessness” filter then the client is damned before they even enter court for the first time.

Frankly, we give up on clients because that is the easy alternative. The “system” allows and supports it. Social Workers support this idea because they haven’t the guts to change the system because sometimes it fits with there own level of incompetence.

Once we give up on one client we will find reasons to give up on others until we get to a point where we will be looking for reasons to give up on them all.

Suicide over Prank - The questions no one is asking

I have been following with interested the handling of the suicide of Ms Salsanha. It is very sad to hear that some one with a young family and what we would assume has everything to live for would choose to take their own life. I feel for her partner and children and the energy they would be using to seek and answer why their partner/mother would make such a decision.

I am fascinated by the blame game which surrounds this issue. I am sure that the two DJ's involved are extremely remorseful and will never perform a prank of this nature again. They and their management would never have perceived that such a childish prank would have such devastating results.

What I do wonder about, as a Social Worker, is the state of mind of Ms Salsanha prior to the call? What issues were dominant in her life that would have caused her to take such desperate action? I can understand the humiliation that may result from succumbing to a prank of this nature but it wasn't life threatening and clearly was convincing enough for her to pass the call on to the attending nurse.

What are the protocols regarding a Royal being hospitalised and another Royal wanting to enquire about their well being? We are aware that this is not a normal family but if the Queen wanted to check up on her Grand Daughter in-law could she make a call to the hospital? Were the staff briefed on the protocol?

Lets look to another scenario. It is probably safe to assume the Ms Salsanha had other issues happening in her life that may have made her susceptible to suicidal thoughts. If this was the case - were the hospital staff aware of this vulnerability? Lets assume also that she was berated by her manager for accepting the hoax call. Perhaps she was made to feel guilty and ashamed by the conduct of her superiors. This may have been enough for her to topple into a place of absolute despair and humiliation.

I can't help but think that there is more to this than just blaming the pranksters and the radio station.

Could this be another example of workplace bullying with the most devastating result?

If the organisation is guilty it is now unlikely that they will ever be held to account because of the clever way they have diverted the attention away from the likelihood that they may have handled the situation differently.

Tony Tonkin
Accredited Mental Health Social Worker
International Counselling Service
Ph 0414 883 153

Beating Workplace Bullies

Every week I would work with around six clients regarding workplace bullying issues. I have personally experienced workplace bullying and certainly understand the degree of despair, sense of hopelessness and helplessness generated by the bad behaviour of a co-worker. I can remember arriving at work and becoming so distressed as I stood at the entrance way to the office block in which I was working, that I was unable to enter the building. I cried uncontrollably, I was confused and bewildered by this outpouring of emotions. As a male I believed I could handle what was happening to me and that I could fight back and defeat the bully. I believed that those in a community service organisation would understand what was happening to me and would support me. I have never been so wrong.

I have used the past ten years trying to understand the impact Workplace Bullying has on people and finding ways to combat the bully. What I am about to explain to you is a process which I have used with many clients over the past year with outstanding success. When I have the opportunity to discuss this with targets of bullies they will often report how empowered they feel and they note a significant decrease in their anxiety. The steps are simple in a way and it surprises me that others haven't thought of using this technique.

1. Power

Ask yourself why does the bully have the power to influence how you feel about yourself, life in general and to affect your mental wellbeing?

Most people give this power to others. People in and off themselves do not have power over us, the power they have comes from what we believe about them. If we believe they can interfere with what we think and feel about ourself then they will have enormous power over us. But this power is power we attribute to them not power they have. We believe they may be able to sack us, prevent us from promotion or prohibit us from taking holidays or receiving professional development. We believe that when they gossip about us that they are able to influence others opinions of us.

Write what POWER you believe the bully has over your life.

Consider if that power is justified. Is it helpful for you hold these beliefs?

Now ask how important do you want this person to be in your life?

Would you invite this person to your birthday party?

Most people would say that if they could they would choose not to have this person in their life at all. That they are not important to them and if they could would prefer not to have anything to do with them.

Once we accept that it is what we believe about the power this person has we are then able to change our belief system and view the bully as powerless and lacking influence on our preferred view of who we are and how we want to interact with our world.

Bullies often are feeling powerless, humiliated, lonely, isolated, rejected, fearful, and believe that they will feel better if they can make you feel similar emotions.

It is your choice as to whether you wish to play their game. What is to follow is the game changer and a way by which you can change the rules.

2. Non-justification

Most of us believe that we need to justify what we do because it will help others to understand our motives and give them a clearer view of who we are. We do this by habit because we also believe it is a polite thing to do. We use an enormous amount of energy justifying our behaviour to people who don't give a damn. SO STOP IT NOW.

The most powerful word in assertion is the word "NO" without justification. Learn to just so "NO". Don't waste your time and energy on people who don't care about you and who are not going to change their view of you no matter how much time you spend explaining yourself.

This change in behaviour will change the rules and leave the bully confused because they will not know how to respond to you. Be aware though that they may became angry and confused, but this is their problem not yours.

3. Questions

This is the most exciting aspect of the three pronged response to bullies.

Remember you are now not justifying anything to them. But now you are going to just ask them open ended questions.

The questions are generic questions which can be used under all circumstances. The reason for asking questions is that the energy the bully is using by attacking you is often absorbed by you and integrated into you by your belief system of the power the bully has. This is now your opportunity to change the flow of energy back to the bully. It is important to make them think about what they are doing rather than attacking you.

I will give you some questions you can ask. These are so simple and have to integrated into your normal response when you are feeling attacked.

Ask:-

I am curious as to what you meant by what you just said?

I am wondering if you could clarify what you just said?

When you say ......... I am wondering if you know how that makes me feel?

The goal here is to have them justify what they say or do.

Write a list of questions which would best fit with the bully in your life and commit them to memory. Test the questions on people you know. Remember, there is nothing offensive or disrespectful by asking questions.

Above all have fun with this. Watch how the bully responds. They will become defensive when they realise you are changing the rules. They may even step up the bullying but as they do they well expose themselves as a bully. The best place to ask questions if you have the courage is in meetings so that others can observe the bullies response. Never enter into a debate with the bully if they begin to attack you. Maintain the focus on the questions. If they fail to answer a question just ask the questions again.

This strategy often results in the bully leaving you alone. One they realise that they no longer have the power to control you they will move onto someone else, unfortunately.

If this works for you become the educator of these techniques with you co-workers. Together you will change the workplace and the bully will either change their behaviour or they will leave.

Once you have tried this drop me a line and let me know how you have gone. If you want further help contact me through this blog or call me on the number below.

Have fun and be safe.


Tony Tonkin
Accredited Mental Health Social Worker
International Counselling Service
Ph 0414 883 153

Male Violence is not Maleness

There is nothing which churns the stomach more than hearing men talk about the way they have been able to dominate or control another person. Recently in an anger program I was facilitating a young man told me that he felt empowered by knowing that others are fearful of him. What concerned me most is that he was not concerned about how others felt towards him but he believed he was getting what he needed out of the relationship because those around him were compliant to his wishes. I told him that it saddened me that he didn’t care about the impact of his behaviour on others. Another client told me that he will not tolerate people holding a view of him which he didn’t believe was true. He would beat them to a pulp, this was a veiled threat towards me if I challenged any of his views about maleness or any view that may be different to his.

Over the past twenty years I have worked with some of the most violent men our society produces. I am interested by the notion that being tough is a true indicator of character and somehow makes one happier and provides a sense of safety for those we love the most. For some men that is not important. For some the safety comes in their sense of power and the exertion of control over others. These men fortunately are not the majority but it is scary when one considers how often I meet them, far too often.

The true sense of “maleness” is determined by our humanity and particularly our love for our partner/s and children. Anything else is a myth. It takes more courage to build a respectful and equal relationship than it does one which is violent and abusive. It takes true conviction to walk away from a fight than it does to stand face to face abusing the other and resolving nothing but creating further pain and mistrust. How dumb are men that they think this form of conflict is helpful. There are very few men who will agree with the men mentioned above that violent behaviour builds a better relationship. What it does breed is discontent and unhappiness.

We may not like the idea, but inside of us often sits a little boy who at some point has been treated badly. This little boy is desperately looking for love, connection, tenderness, respect. Unfortunately, because men are who we are, he hasn’t been shown how to gather together all of these wonderful qualities. Yet there is something inside that innately tells him that these are important and good qualities and certainly different from what he experienced as a child. There is the desire to experience what these qualities offer. Of course he is unable to articulate what he wants, he doesn’t talk about his feelings, so is unable to describe them in any meaningful way. So instead he demands that they be provided by others. Sex should be on demand. He should always be respected and when he feels disrespected he becomes violent. Sex is the only time that he feels connected and loved.

As men become further separated from the very goal they desire they become increasingly violent and abusive. They often don’t understand that their behaviour is prohibiting them from attaining what they need. Failure to take responsibility for behaviour is another distancing practice. It is unfortunate that all of the strategies men employ to get what they want are reinforced by the version of “maleness” we have presented to us while we are growing up. By the time we reach adulthood we have been sold on the idea that we are entitled to have all those things we desire and that we can have them regardless of our behaviour because we are simply, “entitled”.

Yes, we are entitled to be loved and cared for and feel close to others, but what we want is not a “given”. It is something we have to work towards. Most importantly we have to understand our own emotions and feel safe – independent of others. Where ever violence abounds there is insecurity, fear, betrayal, a lack of trust.

As long as we continue to act in violent ways we will never have what we so desperately want.

Enjoying the voice of Andrea Bocelli

This is a little different from the normal posts. For years I have been fond of Andrea Bocelli. There is something about the quality of his voice which reaches my soul like nothing else. I am sitting at my desk with a collection of his songs playing over YouTube.

A few years ago my wife asked what I would like for my birthday. I knew that Bocelli was coming to Australia but was disappointed that he wasn’t coming to Adelaide. My wife suggested that we could travel to Perth to the concert as my birthday gift. It was one of the most emotional birthdays I have ever had. The venue was the very crappy Perth Entertainment Centre but it didn’t really matter. Just to hear that voice live was remarkable. I can’t say that I am a lover of opera because I am not, I wouldn’t know one opera from another nor one singer from another. However I do know that I love this mans voice like no other.

I find it difficult to listen to him sing and not feel an emotional connection. When we were walking through the car park on the way to the car after the performance Dee asked me what I thought and I burst into tears. I wasn’t thinking much at all I was just emotional. I couldn’t describe it as happy or sad emotions just raw emotions. It was like something inside of me was being cleansed and I didn’t need to know what it was all I needed to know was that I was better for the experience.

I may not always feel the same degree of emotional pain but I do feel a sense of peace and connection when I am quietly listening to him sing. If I ever have a spiritual experience this is it. Perhaps amongst the chaos which is my work there is a place for the soothing nature of his tone and range that breaks through the harsh fibers of the stories I hear and disseminates them into perfect tone and pitch. The awfulness of life seems to be transformed into this other place for a moment. It is a refreshing and calming place to be for me, no wonder it is full of emotion.

Social Work standards and Child Protection

I guess I have written about issues concerning social work standards within Child Protection, in fact many of my blogs seem to be about this. I work in a range of areas and the work I do in the child protection area is a very small part of my business and is the area of my business for which I don't get paid. I am amused by the energy it consumes and the incredibly poor practices I experience by other social workers or those purporting to be social workers. I see child protection as a kind of frenzied inactivity. The morally inept attempting to display their moral fibre based on found-less or misconstrued allegations, which fail to past the most elementary test of common sense or reasonableness. It appears that all that is wrong with social work has found this one place to reside amongst the noblest and arguably the most sacred of causes, "Child Protection". It is here, in this sacred place, that some social workers can hide from being scrutinised and being accountable. It is within the walls of "Child Protection" that they are shielded by the power of the organisation (the government) and the law.

They make decisions that will determine the future of not just the child but also the parents, grandparents, siblings etc. There is no opportunity to confront poor decision making because they will not under any circumstances admit that they may have made a mistake or could have made different more informed decisions. They are not open to the idea that people change and therefore parents change. They are unable to comprehend that children are sometimes better off with parents who are willing to be taught to parent differently rather than being placed in alternate care which often is more damaging.

I have learnt so much by being an advocate for parents whose kids have been removed by child protection services. I have learnt that there are many versions of Social Work and not very many are the same as mine. I have learnt that there are many social workers who don't believe in change and that they parent blame and that they are judgemental. I have felt the injustice parents feel when confronted with a system which doesn't listen to them, and fails to understand the distress associated with losing a child. I have felt anger like I have never felt it before as I know I am being lied to and that the worker is not able to deliver anything that we are asking but they don't have the guts to tell us. Recently I was talking to two social workers from Kadina office, Paul and Keiron, and I now know that they were never going to deliver on anything they said. I wanted to believe in them so much, I wanted to believe that they were going to make a difference and that they were going to believe in my client. Unfortunately they were never going to return the child to her parents. What was really disappointing was that they didn't have the guts to make a stand against their manager Patrick who for some bizarre reason banned me from having a meeting with them in the first place. From that point on I guess I should have realised that it wasn't going to go anywhere.

I have decided to no longer advocate for this parent, not because I don't believe in her but because FSA have now made it so difficult to have a relationship with them that it has made my work redundant. Patrick the manager has told me in no uncertain terms that I am only permitted to have conversations with him and not the two workers. Is this man a control freak or what? So much for the notion of building partnerships. How little respect he must have for Paul and Keiron. I would be pretty upset if I was those two workers but there again perhaps they are so engrained in the culture that they think this behaviour is normal.

So, I will no longer have any meetings with FSA workers and particularly Patrick or any of the workers from his office or where he manages. This doesn't mean that I am going to stop fighting for change. What I have to do is find more creative ways to bring about change. What people like Patrick and others have failed to realise that if they were to work with me we could have brought about significant change that would have enhanced many peoples lives. But because they somehow saw me differently, buggered if I know how they saw me, they decided to do what most bullies do and that is demonise and ostracise the opponent. This is what Patrick has attempted to do. David Waterford on the other hand believed that by having conversations with me would be enough to placate me. This is done under the misguided belief that he has the power and that I would become compliant to his authority. When this didn't work he virtually did what Patrick is now doing.

At every level this has always been about the rights of the child. In the case which involves these people I have worked to have the child returned because I believe passionately that this is in the best interest of the child. That others in the same profession are unable to see this and want the child to remain in an environment which is damaging to her is a concept I am unable to understand. I can not believe that the social workers I mentioned above can demonstrate such blatant disregard to a child's well being when they are there to protect the child. I don't want to believe that this is about my involvement in the case but I do believe that if I wasn't involved the child would not be returned and the parents would be in a worse emotional condition. My involvement though has focussed on the ineptitude of workers and a process which is more about risk aversion than about the well being of children. I therefore become the problem, well that is what they would like others to believe.

The greatest lie I have heard, and it came from Patrick, is that they are acting in the best interest of the child. That is not true, it never has been true.





Tony Tonkin
Accredited Mental Health Social Worker
International Counselling Service
Ph 0414 883 153