Where do the flies go when night falls?

It was only this week that I found myself sitting in the middle of Australia talking about social work and what it meant. A couple of days a month I fly out to a remote mining cite and hear all sorts of stories about the challenges faced by living so far away from home, working long hours, work relationships and their challenges and many other issues.

As I am writing this I am again at another remote mining cite talking with people who have experienced an unexpected loss. I often take the diversity of my work for granted. Recently I have been feeling lethargic, laconic and very very relaxed about the work I do. There is very little which surprises me any more and there is very little new about what I am doing. I know I haven't done it all and I know that there is more I can do. There is that book I started years ago that I haven't finished. There is the Journal article I haven't started, a number of them in fact. There are the cases I haven't concluded and the fights I still need to have. There is a broken system here and there which I haven't fixed or even dented. There are people still needing to be heard but have no one who will act for them. There is the publishing company which needs to have a presence on the Internet. This list seems endless.

As I sat in the desert pondering the issues which concerned me and feeling unmotivated to do anything about them, I considered the most important issue of the moment "where do the flies go when night falls?". So this has where it all has lead me - to pondering something as bewildering and as insignificant a question as this. As I was boarding the plane to return home I had to enter the aircraft cabin through a wall of flies eager to attach themselves to sweaty, clammy bodies. Some flies were captured in the plane and as we took off and rose higher and higher I was watching a fly on my window sliding down into the ledge at the bottom of the window. I surmised that this was because of the pressurised cabin or the change in temperature or that he was just a bloody lazy fly that wanted to have a break. This entertained me for some minutes until we were at a hight which allowed me to turn my ipad on and commence watching the video I wasn't able to complete on arrival.

Where has all the preoccupation gone concerning conflicts, client dilemmas, ethical issues and STRESS. It has all vanished into a fly dying on my window and pondering where they go at night.


Tony Tonkin
Accredited Mental Health Social Worker
International Counselling Service
Ph 0414 883 153

Location:Australia

Inquiry into Child Abuse–What will they find?

Over the years there have been many inquiries into child abuse in this country. A few years ago in South Australia there was the mulligan inquiry. We have had apologise from Federal and State governments regarding the Stolen Generation and the F0rg0tten Australians. Now we are about to embark on another enquiry. What will it find that the other enquiries haven’t found? I can’t help but think that the same old rocks are going to be uncovered by the same people who have already told their story. Perhaps they will consider telling their story in this Inquiry more significant than a State Government Inquiry but one has to wonder what will change?

As a therapist I am profoundly aware of the need for people to tell their story and for this story to be heard by someone who is prepared to listen and, for some, to believe that the “wrong” can be “righted”. I hope that for some this is another step that makes the impact if being abused less painful.  How often though do people have to tell their story? What is it that we expect to change?

History tells us that very little changes. If there was significant change and the lives of young people were no longer affected by systematic and institutional abuse we wouldn’t need to have any further inquiries. In twenty years time is there likely to be another set of inquiries for a new generation of abused children simply because we still haven’t got it “right”? Are we more enlightened now than we were twenty years ago? We may think we are but we are still not able to understand the problem. It is like arguing that we are less violent today than we were twenty years ago. Well we are not.

A quote from the Australian Institute of Criminology demonstrates what I am saying.

“The public's perception is that violence is increasing, but trends in violent crime reported to police since the early 1990s reveal a mixed story. Homicide has decreased by nine percent since 1990 and armed robbery by one-third since 2001, but recorded assaults and sexual assaults have both increased steadily in the past 10 years by over 40 percent and 20 percent respectively. The rate of aggravated assault appears to have contributed to the marked rise in recorded assault, and for both assault and sexual assault the rate of increase was greater for children aged under 15 years, with increases almost double that of the older age group.”

It is good news that we are not killing each other as often as we use to but the violence has increased. We are not enlightened at all so it is about time we realised that there is more at play here which needs to be resolved. It is great news that as a community through our political leaders we are able to finally say “sorry”. It is about time that we learn that the amount of times we say “sorry” is limited. “Sorry” only has meaning if it is a solemn declaration that whatever you say “sorry” for will never happen again. Well it will and it is happening now.

The longer we believe that the “Nanny State” is the best parent we will always have institutionalised and government sanctioned abuse. Through plain ignorance rather than through any deliberate behaviour. We will only implement change when we begin to value parenting, stop judging those who struggle, realise that people can change, and offer appropriate social work interventions that focus on families, rather than removal.

It is my hope that “Sorry” is heart felt and those words will never have to be repeated again.

The Still Forgotten Australians–The Foster Care System

As of June 30th 2011, in Australia, there were 37,648 children in out-of –home care. This is an increase of 4.9% on 2009. (www.aifs.gov.au) The cost of maintaining out-of-home care is $2.3 billion. It is important that we understand this is not just about the financial strain on our economy and we shouldn’t make this about the money, but this does raise an issue about the “Child Protection Industry” and the part we all play in supporting it. I have argued for some time that we are continuing to support an industry which fails family on a regular basis. I know that this is not the intention of those who work in the industry but it is a regrettable outcome.

I wonder about what we have learnt from the past? I wonder about the inquiries into childhood abuse and the child protection industry in general? How many apologies can we issue before they are like the abusive partner who keeps saying they are “Sorry” after beating the crap out of their partner. We will continue to get it wrong until we acknowledge that there is something basically wrong with the current system. We are creating another system of abused kids who will have to wait until they are into middle age before they are offered another apology.

We will always need a system which cares for kids who are unable to live with their parents. How many of the children currently in care could not be returned to their families. Last week Tim Carmody, who heads the Queensland Inquiry into the Child Protection system, was recommending that each of the 8,000 children in care be evaluated to see who could be returned to their parents. Carmody acknowledged that parents change and that there are many parents who are no longer living with their abusive partner or are no longer using drugs. My biggest beef has been that we ignore the idea that parents can change and that there needs to be some consideration for this within the system which takes children away from their parents. One just has to look at the complicated and often expensive process to have a case re-heard by the Youth Court, that you realise how difficult a review is.

Wouldn’t it be amazing if David Waterford sought to review each case by an independent group of professionals with the view to re-unification. The financial savings would be significant and the damage caused to children living away from their parents will be minimized. How about putting the savings into more services to support parents so that children were not removed at all or only for a temporary period?

If we continue to fail these children we will be breading another “Forgotten Generation”. To all you Social Workers out there, practice as you were taught, apply the ethical standards of our profession and instruct your organisation about Social Work Practice. Challenge prejudicial and judgemental behaviour, work to ensure that the strengths of parents are identified and built on, engage with parents at a meaningful level, as helper and facilitator for change.

Don’t say stupid and unhelpful comments that put down parents and make them feel like failures and second class citizens. Recently I had a woman call me and told me a disturbing story about a Social Worker who told her that “child sexual abuse isn’t as bad as some forms of abuse and besides the kids get over it.” This came from a senior social worker who clearly is a fabulous role model to others who work with him. If this is the sort of thinking that pervades the department then we are no further down the track than we were fifty years ago when we were blaming kids and locking them up for being abandoned. Has out thinking changed? NO. I am angered and very disappointed to hear that Social Workers are propagating this sort of crap.

Lets just so “Sorry” to all the children the system is abusing now and the tens of thousands we will abuse in the future.  

Why doesn’t anything change?

This is a question which I find more puzzling as I realise that no matter how much time you put into something, or how passionate I become it makes very little difference. My experience has been that the more “the system”is challenged the greater the resistance. I wonder if those who work within structures that produce poor results all feel as helpless from the inside as I do from the outside. When does “learned helplessness” take over so that every client they see is identified as “too hard” and the training they received or the reason why they entered Social Work somehow has dissipated into a past memory and suppressed emotion.

I have many clients who potentially sit in the “too hard basket”. Often this is where a person’s beliefs are so entrenched that it is difficult finding the intervention that will cause them to shift. I know it would be easy to tell myself that I could be working with other clients who have better prospects and who will do the work that will bring about change. But I know that if I wasn’t working with these people that they would find it difficult finding people that would work with them. They all have a history of some contact with a worker then the worker has to cease the work because the organisation has limited resources and are unable to see any progress so they are told to find someone else.

My guess that there are many of these people trapped in a system which doesn’t care about them and isn’t prepare for the long haul. They get shunted from one service provider to another or give up entirely. As a private practitioner it is my decision alone which will determine the length of service. I believe that if a person is prepared to remain engaged, and I believe my involvement will eventually produce some change then I will remain for as long as it takes. If I was working for another organisation I wouldn’t have that authority. If I was told to move on from a client whom I believed in and couldn’t do the work in the clients time frame then I guess I might become a little jaded – certainly disillusioned.  I can remember when I was working as a therapist in a gambling program the most critical comments made of me, and there were many, was that I was not restricting the number of sessions with clients. I certainly resisted the notion that the client had to fit into the agencies time frame.

If I was working within the child protection system I would feel absolute frustration because the time frame is often determined by legal requirements. A voluntary care agreement (VCA) means that the practitioner has to see a significant change in a mater of a few months. Most practitioners probably find that acceptable and because they don’t see any change will then apply for a twelve month order or go straight to a Guardianship of the Minister to 18 (GOM18). If a Social Worker is skilled enough perhaps they would be able to engage with the client in a meaningful way which would enable change and perhaps a partnership could be developed which would ensure that the child is safe and that the parent is able to be the parent they need to be.  However, if the Social Worker sees all clients through the “learned helplessness” filter then the client is damned before they even enter court for the first time.

Frankly, we give up on clients because that is the easy alternative. The “system” allows and supports it. Social Workers support this idea because they haven’t the guts to change the system because sometimes it fits with there own level of incompetence.

Once we give up on one client we will find reasons to give up on others until we get to a point where we will be looking for reasons to give up on them all.

Suicide over Prank - The questions no one is asking

I have been following with interested the handling of the suicide of Ms Salsanha. It is very sad to hear that some one with a young family and what we would assume has everything to live for would choose to take their own life. I feel for her partner and children and the energy they would be using to seek and answer why their partner/mother would make such a decision.

I am fascinated by the blame game which surrounds this issue. I am sure that the two DJ's involved are extremely remorseful and will never perform a prank of this nature again. They and their management would never have perceived that such a childish prank would have such devastating results.

What I do wonder about, as a Social Worker, is the state of mind of Ms Salsanha prior to the call? What issues were dominant in her life that would have caused her to take such desperate action? I can understand the humiliation that may result from succumbing to a prank of this nature but it wasn't life threatening and clearly was convincing enough for her to pass the call on to the attending nurse.

What are the protocols regarding a Royal being hospitalised and another Royal wanting to enquire about their well being? We are aware that this is not a normal family but if the Queen wanted to check up on her Grand Daughter in-law could she make a call to the hospital? Were the staff briefed on the protocol?

Lets look to another scenario. It is probably safe to assume the Ms Salsanha had other issues happening in her life that may have made her susceptible to suicidal thoughts. If this was the case - were the hospital staff aware of this vulnerability? Lets assume also that she was berated by her manager for accepting the hoax call. Perhaps she was made to feel guilty and ashamed by the conduct of her superiors. This may have been enough for her to topple into a place of absolute despair and humiliation.

I can't help but think that there is more to this than just blaming the pranksters and the radio station.

Could this be another example of workplace bullying with the most devastating result?

If the organisation is guilty it is now unlikely that they will ever be held to account because of the clever way they have diverted the attention away from the likelihood that they may have handled the situation differently.

Tony Tonkin
Accredited Mental Health Social Worker
International Counselling Service
Ph 0414 883 153

Beating Workplace Bullies

Every week I would work with around six clients regarding workplace bullying issues. I have personally experienced workplace bullying and certainly understand the degree of despair, sense of hopelessness and helplessness generated by the bad behaviour of a co-worker. I can remember arriving at work and becoming so distressed as I stood at the entrance way to the office block in which I was working, that I was unable to enter the building. I cried uncontrollably, I was confused and bewildered by this outpouring of emotions. As a male I believed I could handle what was happening to me and that I could fight back and defeat the bully. I believed that those in a community service organisation would understand what was happening to me and would support me. I have never been so wrong.

I have used the past ten years trying to understand the impact Workplace Bullying has on people and finding ways to combat the bully. What I am about to explain to you is a process which I have used with many clients over the past year with outstanding success. When I have the opportunity to discuss this with targets of bullies they will often report how empowered they feel and they note a significant decrease in their anxiety. The steps are simple in a way and it surprises me that others haven't thought of using this technique.

1. Power

Ask yourself why does the bully have the power to influence how you feel about yourself, life in general and to affect your mental wellbeing?

Most people give this power to others. People in and off themselves do not have power over us, the power they have comes from what we believe about them. If we believe they can interfere with what we think and feel about ourself then they will have enormous power over us. But this power is power we attribute to them not power they have. We believe they may be able to sack us, prevent us from promotion or prohibit us from taking holidays or receiving professional development. We believe that when they gossip about us that they are able to influence others opinions of us.

Write what POWER you believe the bully has over your life.

Consider if that power is justified. Is it helpful for you hold these beliefs?

Now ask how important do you want this person to be in your life?

Would you invite this person to your birthday party?

Most people would say that if they could they would choose not to have this person in their life at all. That they are not important to them and if they could would prefer not to have anything to do with them.

Once we accept that it is what we believe about the power this person has we are then able to change our belief system and view the bully as powerless and lacking influence on our preferred view of who we are and how we want to interact with our world.

Bullies often are feeling powerless, humiliated, lonely, isolated, rejected, fearful, and believe that they will feel better if they can make you feel similar emotions.

It is your choice as to whether you wish to play their game. What is to follow is the game changer and a way by which you can change the rules.

2. Non-justification

Most of us believe that we need to justify what we do because it will help others to understand our motives and give them a clearer view of who we are. We do this by habit because we also believe it is a polite thing to do. We use an enormous amount of energy justifying our behaviour to people who don't give a damn. SO STOP IT NOW.

The most powerful word in assertion is the word "NO" without justification. Learn to just so "NO". Don't waste your time and energy on people who don't care about you and who are not going to change their view of you no matter how much time you spend explaining yourself.

This change in behaviour will change the rules and leave the bully confused because they will not know how to respond to you. Be aware though that they may became angry and confused, but this is their problem not yours.

3. Questions

This is the most exciting aspect of the three pronged response to bullies.

Remember you are now not justifying anything to them. But now you are going to just ask them open ended questions.

The questions are generic questions which can be used under all circumstances. The reason for asking questions is that the energy the bully is using by attacking you is often absorbed by you and integrated into you by your belief system of the power the bully has. This is now your opportunity to change the flow of energy back to the bully. It is important to make them think about what they are doing rather than attacking you.

I will give you some questions you can ask. These are so simple and have to integrated into your normal response when you are feeling attacked.

Ask:-

I am curious as to what you meant by what you just said?

I am wondering if you could clarify what you just said?

When you say ......... I am wondering if you know how that makes me feel?

The goal here is to have them justify what they say or do.

Write a list of questions which would best fit with the bully in your life and commit them to memory. Test the questions on people you know. Remember, there is nothing offensive or disrespectful by asking questions.

Above all have fun with this. Watch how the bully responds. They will become defensive when they realise you are changing the rules. They may even step up the bullying but as they do they well expose themselves as a bully. The best place to ask questions if you have the courage is in meetings so that others can observe the bullies response. Never enter into a debate with the bully if they begin to attack you. Maintain the focus on the questions. If they fail to answer a question just ask the questions again.

This strategy often results in the bully leaving you alone. One they realise that they no longer have the power to control you they will move onto someone else, unfortunately.

If this works for you become the educator of these techniques with you co-workers. Together you will change the workplace and the bully will either change their behaviour or they will leave.

Once you have tried this drop me a line and let me know how you have gone. If you want further help contact me through this blog or call me on the number below.

Have fun and be safe.


Tony Tonkin
Accredited Mental Health Social Worker
International Counselling Service
Ph 0414 883 153

Male Violence is not Maleness

There is nothing which churns the stomach more than hearing men talk about the way they have been able to dominate or control another person. Recently in an anger program I was facilitating a young man told me that he felt empowered by knowing that others are fearful of him. What concerned me most is that he was not concerned about how others felt towards him but he believed he was getting what he needed out of the relationship because those around him were compliant to his wishes. I told him that it saddened me that he didn’t care about the impact of his behaviour on others. Another client told me that he will not tolerate people holding a view of him which he didn’t believe was true. He would beat them to a pulp, this was a veiled threat towards me if I challenged any of his views about maleness or any view that may be different to his.

Over the past twenty years I have worked with some of the most violent men our society produces. I am interested by the notion that being tough is a true indicator of character and somehow makes one happier and provides a sense of safety for those we love the most. For some men that is not important. For some the safety comes in their sense of power and the exertion of control over others. These men fortunately are not the majority but it is scary when one considers how often I meet them, far too often.

The true sense of “maleness” is determined by our humanity and particularly our love for our partner/s and children. Anything else is a myth. It takes more courage to build a respectful and equal relationship than it does one which is violent and abusive. It takes true conviction to walk away from a fight than it does to stand face to face abusing the other and resolving nothing but creating further pain and mistrust. How dumb are men that they think this form of conflict is helpful. There are very few men who will agree with the men mentioned above that violent behaviour builds a better relationship. What it does breed is discontent and unhappiness.

We may not like the idea, but inside of us often sits a little boy who at some point has been treated badly. This little boy is desperately looking for love, connection, tenderness, respect. Unfortunately, because men are who we are, he hasn’t been shown how to gather together all of these wonderful qualities. Yet there is something inside that innately tells him that these are important and good qualities and certainly different from what he experienced as a child. There is the desire to experience what these qualities offer. Of course he is unable to articulate what he wants, he doesn’t talk about his feelings, so is unable to describe them in any meaningful way. So instead he demands that they be provided by others. Sex should be on demand. He should always be respected and when he feels disrespected he becomes violent. Sex is the only time that he feels connected and loved.

As men become further separated from the very goal they desire they become increasingly violent and abusive. They often don’t understand that their behaviour is prohibiting them from attaining what they need. Failure to take responsibility for behaviour is another distancing practice. It is unfortunate that all of the strategies men employ to get what they want are reinforced by the version of “maleness” we have presented to us while we are growing up. By the time we reach adulthood we have been sold on the idea that we are entitled to have all those things we desire and that we can have them regardless of our behaviour because we are simply, “entitled”.

Yes, we are entitled to be loved and cared for and feel close to others, but what we want is not a “given”. It is something we have to work towards. Most importantly we have to understand our own emotions and feel safe – independent of others. Where ever violence abounds there is insecurity, fear, betrayal, a lack of trust.

As long as we continue to act in violent ways we will never have what we so desperately want.